Anyone ever approach a huge life-event and find yourself singing "It's the end of the world as we know it..."? I can't tell you what group sings that song (any help here?) but at the end of the that chorus or phrase they do end up singing "and I feel fine".
Well, I once in a while get this tune in my head...but I don't always make it to the "I feel fine" part. The truth is, I don't always feel fine. I think both Brad and I are fluctuating back and forth between the excitement and nervousness of having a baby. Tomorrow is the one-month count down mark! In a sense I can't believe it's already this soon and I'm ready to be done being pregnant. In another sense I don't feel ready to bring home a baby and be a mother for the rest of my life. Good thing we've got about a month to go yet, right?
Sometimes I feel guilty that I don't feel more "giddy" or on cloud nine like some mothers-to-be are at this point. It's not that I don't want the baby or care for it. Goodness knows that's not the case. I think it's more the fear of the unknown and the raw intimidation of the responsibility and life-altering changes that are about to be made. Maybe some women approach the birth of the child unshaken by fear and overwhelmed with joy at welcoming a new life into the world. Maybe others are caught up in how cute babies are and that they finally get to have one of their own.
Perhaps I'm partly grieving, too. That sounds more morose than I intend it to. What I'm trying to say is that I know life is going to change and that as sure as I am that I will love and cherish some of those changes, other changes will involve a loss of some sort and I anticipate that I will miss some of those losses to a certain extent.
So forgive me for not having written much lately. I'm coming to terms with these emotions (rather than feeling guilty for them) and didn't always feel it was something people wanted to read about. And sometimes there was little else to address regarding pregnancy.
I read a horrible book that helped me realize it's Ok for me to feel this way and that I'm probably not alone, although I feel like I am. I say the book is horrible because I don't think I could ever recommend it as a whole to anybody. But there were definetly parts of the book that I appreciated. The author's perspective was that there are a lot of misconceptions and lies about the experience of pregnancy and cultural expecations placed on pregnant women that baracade them from expressing or aknowledging and accepting the truth of their situations (be it marital changes, financial pressures, emotional challenges, career and social status realities and so on). It was a very secular point of view, very pessimistic almost as she shared her horrible personal experiences. She is very hard on the american medical community and their standards as a whole, hard on the american culture's lack of appreciation and recognition for what mothers contribute to society and on the lack of governmental structures to support mothers like many european countries do. Some of what she said was interesting but was left unsupported by any research or way to know she wasn't just sharing an uneducated opinion.
Anyway, I guess I don't need to write a whole book review, beyond what I already have. But what I appreciated was that she approached the idea that because (according to her) american culture typically portrays that pregnancy and childbirth are serene, fairy tale times of life, any emotion other than joy and elation indicates that you are a "bad" women or mother.
So I try to be honest with other people. As a substitute teacher this year I meet many teenage girls who enjoy going through the list of typical questions: When is the baby due? Is it a boy or a girl? Are you excited? - That's when I say "Yes, but sometimes I'm a little freaked out." Occassionaly the girls ask "why?" but most of them respond with this look that says "I've never heard that (or thought that) before, but I guess it makes sense." And I stopped worrying if they were judging me as a bad mother-to-be.
Sometimes I express this same mix of emotions - of course I'm excited but I'm also honestly a little scared - with adult women. I think it shocks most of them. Oh well.
Well, that's enough for tonight. I'm glad I have this place to ponder and reflect a little bit - hope it didn't make you uncomfortable...
1/ "It's the end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine)" is by R.E.M.
ReplyDelete2/ Every woman's experience with pregnancy is different because every woman is different living a different life from every other woman. When I was pregnant with Alec I was very resentful that my life immediately changed--no alcohol, no caffeine, vitamins every day, massive weight gain--but his father's life didn't change at all. In fact, the only thing he offered to change was to start smoking in the garage so I didn't have to breathe secondhand smoke. How generous. I was angry. But I was thrilled that I was going to have a baby. And sometimes I felt guilty that I couldn't get a job after we moved and I was too pregnant to be hired. We were broke and Ron, my first husband, was our sole income. I felt like it was my fault that we were having a baby that was going to change our whole family dynamic. But it wasn't, and we both love Alec so much!
Having a baby IS a HUGE life changing event. Your life has already changed, and you will never be the same. That can be sad. And it can also end up leading to a lot of resentment and anger in your home if left unacknowledged, so I applaude you for exploring your emotions (hormone enhanced) and dealing with them BEFORE they become huge issues.
We all love you so much, Kristin, and you too, Brad. Remember that you have a ton of support here, and we will always be here for you!
Kris,
ReplyDeleteDon't feel for one second that you are alone! You have the guts to say what many women are afraid to because they feel like they will be judged. Becoming a mother is the most surreal, terrifying experience that any human can go through. It's no lie when they say that being a mom is the hardest job in the world. It is. I'm not going to sugar-coat it for you. There will be days when you want to rip your hair out and wonder if you will ever get a full nights sleep, or get out of your sweats. But through all of the no-so-fun stuff there is this knowledge that this little person is a part of you and God makes no mistakes. There is nothing more rewarding then seeing your child grow and do amazing things, even if it is only walk across the room:). There will be tears of sadness and maybe even anger, but also tears of joy, love, and fullfillment. No woman can say that she hasn't gone through the emotional rollercoaster if she's had a child. If she does she's lying and shouldn't be a mother. But that's a whole other topic that I probably shouldn't go into right now:).
So chin up! Don't ever try to hide how you feel (ESP with Brad) and you will get through this. Praying 24/7 isn't a bad idea either:).
We love you!
PS Just so you know, any woman who says they "just loved every step of pregnancy" I want to slap silly.
I love you Kris!! Can't wait to see you and am glad you were able to share and get some stuff out on the page. You're so honest, it's wonderful. Apparently, there are more similarities b/w you and I as we both need a sense of control. I can't imagine that having a baby gives you a sense of control! :) So your feelings seem quite reasonable. You're cute, too. Has anyone told you that lately? Well they should, because you are. Hopefully we can chat soon! Love you MUCH!
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